PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
