sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
