Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
