Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
