Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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