someone get that fucking seahorse.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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