i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
