This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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