i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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