Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
