Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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