Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
