I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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