Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
