so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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