either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
