my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
