Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
