my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
