You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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