Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
