You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
