neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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