u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
