Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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