Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
