Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
