I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
