her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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