Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
