I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
