You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
