so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
