i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
