I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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