Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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