He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
