Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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