I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
