i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
