omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
