you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
