He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
