Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
