There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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