Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
