Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
