It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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