there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
