i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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