I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
