I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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