I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
