im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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