I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
